Random Acts of Kindness

 Dear Alicia,

Been awhile. I am suppose to be getting shit ready to go out to the cabin tomorrow. Instead I am sitting on my lazy ass not doing anything. Anyway, I was watching some youtube videos of people having their cochlear implants turned on for the first time (some heart warming shit) and then I was watching some humans being bros videos.

I watch a lot of news, and it is always so depressing so I like to remind myself that not everybody is a piece of absolute garbage by watching people doing good things for others. There are ones that really pull on the old emotional heart strings which is good because it helps me realign myself with my emotions. You can't watch an old man get a pillow from his kids that depicts an image of his deceased spouse of 50+ years and see him cry cause he can finally hug her again and not get a little tug in your chest. However, these are not the ones that I want to talk about. Planned acts of kindness are easy by those performing them and don't take as much emotional stability to perform. A miserable piece of shit can still do planned acts of kindness and take nothing from it. I want to talk about random acts of kindness. 

Random acts of kindness are the things that are presented to us everyday that we have no prior knowledge too; hence random. We still have the agency to perform the act of kindness or to ignore the act all together. It really comes done to how we are feeling. Random acts of kindness are also things that are total sacrifices performed for somebody besides oneself. There is no benefit to me if I perform a random act of kindness to somebody, and no anticipation of reciprocation. These acts of kindness I believe are rare. 

I believe they are rare for a few reasons. I think that people are to caught up in their own world to care about other people, they expect something for something, or they are to miserable in their own lives so they duck and hide from any random situation to help somebody else. It really is too bad. If somebody fell and a crowd was around, would you wait to see if they got up for a few moments before checking on them? Does it depend on their age? Would you wait a moment to see if somebody else came to help? Would you think if you helped it would just embarrass them so you should keep your distance? Or would you run right over ignoring all of that and make sure they are ok? Most people would ignore the situation, a few would wait a moment, and some would pull their phone out, ask somebody to record, and make sure to put their "kind deed" on instagram or tiktok for clout. 

Performing random acts of kindness comes with an intangible reward if performed sincerely. It comes with the feeling of self satisfaction. The knowledge that you just made somebody's day a little better no matter how small and that is it; no monetary or physical reward, no public recognition, just self satisfaction. If you leave the situation feeling just a little bit better of a person then you did before, than that is a pretty big reward. 

I use to hold doors for people, and still do. This is a random act of kindness. I don't ever plan on holding doors for people, I just do it. My dad did it, I was taught it is the nice thing to do. Doesn't matter if it is a girl, a guy, a kid, an old man, or a buff fit 40 year old. I hold the door. I know that when I am in a bad mood I don't. I have never really thought of that until tonight, but when I am in a bad mood, I don't want to help people. How pathetic is that. Misery loves company. I like holding doors for people though, it makes me feel good. So why when I am pissy wouldn't I want to feel good? Because I don't want others to feel good. I mean not directly, but I think that I indirectly don't want to help people feel better than they already do. Misery loves company.

I don't want to be that person. I think I am more and more that person who shies away from doing random acts of kindness for others. However it isn't because I am in bad moods anymore. I shy away from it because I have convinced myself that I don't have the energy for it. I am not talking about holding doors for people anymore by the way. I use to be the person that would go up to random people if I saw them struggling with something and ask if they needed help. I am a little ashamed of myself to think that has changed but I know it has. So I am challenging myself to not ignore the random needs of those around me anymore. 

I know that I am the kind of person that would drop anything to help anybody if a phone call came in, but I don't want to be the kind of person that bitches about it. That is what I have turned into. I use to like helping people when I got phone calls to help family out. It let me know that I am good for something and I was able to bring something to the table. I want to feel like that again. Instead I dread getting a phone call asking me for something. Of course I will say yes, because that is who I am, but if I am miserable about it, then it isn't an act of kindness; it is an act of self imposed responsibility. 

So, going forward, I am going to try and change how I perceive helping people. I want to perform random acts of kindness and enjoy doing them. I want to be one step closer to who I use to be because this exhaustion and fatigue and going away so fuck it, I will live with it and I will not let it affect me helping others.

Love,

Hubby

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