If Only You Knew

Dear Alicia,

I know that I said I was going to use this site to give you something to look at instead of social media to try and get rid of the social media blues that you get. I have dropped the ball...I admit that. I do that sometimes. It isn't because I didn't want to, but I kind of forgot all about it. However I think I will try being better. After all, if I am good at one thing, it is jotting down a few things from here and there. Anyway, here I go. 

Alicia, I know that you have a hard time looking at your life and finding peace with what you have. It is easy to look at others and see what they have and you don't. Worldly things are great and bring a fleeting sense of joy and satisfaction, but if only you knew that is not what you actually need or what you should want. 

You shouldn't want what other people have or can offer. Too many people fall into this trap, and it makes them not appreciate, unaware, and distain what they already have. We have had this conversation before. I truly believe that being happy is not some grand emotion that overwhelms our being with a sense of elation. That would suck, and would also be impossible to maintain. It is being content with what you have. That isn't to say you can't aspire for more, but you aspire to improve YOUR situation based around your life and not around external factors.

If I were to focus on external factors in my life, I would be mentally miserable. It would be easy for me to say "I am a 26 year old man, and it isn't fair that EVERY BODY ELSE my age doesn't have to go get poked by needles every month, deal with the looming threat of increased thrombotic events, and deal with unmanageable fatigue due to unmanageable low iron. I am too young to have chronic health issues, and I want a normal life like everybody else my age. This is the most unfair thing in the world. Every day I wake up to physical and mental fatigue, I feel like crap from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed, and there is no way I should feel like this. I WANT something more, and I deserve something more. Everybody else got handed a better deck than me." If I were to to compare myself to the average person my age, and WANT the health they have and let it get to me; it would be easy to let my physical health deteriorate my mental health into a pile of garbage. However, and if only you knew:

Although I do not like the fatigue and aches, I wake up every morning thankful that I woke up. I am thankful that I did not die that night in my sleep. I am thankful that I get to spend another day with my kids. I am thankful for the house that sheltered us while we slept. I am thankful for the hugs and kisses I get from my girls. I am thankful for every annoying and aggravating scream the kids let out. I am thankful to see your beautiful face one more time, and each and every time. I am thankful that I get to force myself to do more than I feel like, because it makes me feel like I am doing something for you guys even if some days it isn't a lot. I wake up and I am happy almost every single day. 

I am also happy for other people. I am happy that my parents are enjoying their retirement, and going on the trips they want to go on and don't feel like they have to be tied down to anything. I am happy for my sister Augusta that she is able to also stay home and raise her kids and that her and Matt got through the beginning of their marriage (it wasn't always smooth sailing for them if you remember). I am happy for Carla that she is able to maintain a career as Nurse, and that she takes that roll seriously. I am happy for William and his baby boy so that the Funk's namesake can cary on. It would be easy for me to look at my siblings and be envious of one thing or another of their, but we are equals when it comes to the important things. We all have our own family that we are a part of, and we all lead our own lives within those families. I don't think any of us see it as a competition. It would be easy to compare our kids' early childhood milestones and say "well my kid is obviously superior because blah blah blah," but instead we are always just proud of the early bloomers and give encouraging words for the ones that are a little late to the party. That is family. I can't speak for all of my siblings, but I know myself and I do not sit here and wish my kids were as smart as Mahala, or I had a boy like Liam. I am happy for my siblings and what they have.

If only you knew how much you have to be thankful for. It really is enough. Life isn't suppose to be just wonderful, it is suppose to be eh with a bunch of wonderful moments. Learning that eh is enough until the next wonderful moment is the happiness between the wonderful. I really do love you Alicia, and I hope you find your eh. I hope that someday soon you can look at EVERYBODY around you and instead of wanting what they have, be thankful for what you have, and be happy for them instead of resentful and envious.

Hoping you find your happiness.

With all the love I have to give,

Your Hubby.



  


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