Before I Go To Bed

 



Dear Alicia,

I hope that you are finding these little posts more enjoyable to read than scrolling through social media. I really don't think that shit is good for peoples' mental health.

We are coming up on being together for 14 years this winter. Man, I am only 12 years older than that. We have had some rough times, but I want you to know that whenever you are gone, I miss you. I wonder if you miss me? I hope you do.

I really do enjoy you. I even enjoy the unenjoyable parts of you. Sure I get frustrated when you go to the extremes with stuff because of your anxiety, but I you are you. I would rather you be an anxious wreck and be around me than not be around me. I do wish you could learn to be a little less angry with everything, and I am happy you are finally taking steps to overcome that. That being said, you have been better and when you are in a good mood it shadows when you are not. I appreciate you finally taking your outlook on life seriously and trying to learn how to cope with life instead of just letting it eat you up. You will come out of it stronger and more content. 

I know in the past I was not the best man I should have been, and even though I feel like I have done everything to amend those failures, I feel like you are unable to forgive me yet. I was not and am not perfect, but I do strive to be better everyday. Some days are harder than others as they are for everybody. I hope someday that I will finally be worthy of your forgiveness, and I will continue to strive for it.

I am happy to admit that I am very codependent on you. I do not see this as a weakness, but as my total and utter devotion to you. I know you do not share this aspect of mentally. You have a wall up that doesn't allow you to be totally devoted to somebody, but recently I think that wall is coming down. While I joke and say I depend on your income, health insurance, etc. that is all that is...a joke. While our family depends on your financial support for survival, personally I do not. I am codependent in the form of emotional support. I emotionally depend on you. Without you pushing me to acknowledge my faults, I would not fix them. Without you here to listen to me cope about my pain and health shit, I do not think it would be as easy as it has been to stay positive about them. Without you here to sit by my side to watch TV with, pause it 10 minutes into a show and talk until bedtime, I would get through shows a lot fucking faster. That last one made me chuckle out loud. I love not watching TV and talking instead. 

Assumption warning. I know you dread leaving for work every Friday. The kids hate it when you go do work. I wonder what you think I feel when you leave on Friday. Do you think I am happy you are going to make money? Do you think I am happy that you are finally going to be out of the house? I hope these are not the things you think. I also hate that you leave every Friday and I have to go until Monday afternoon to see you, and then on Monday you are so tired, we don't have a lot of time together before you go to bed, or if you stay up you are half home. This is nothing against you, I get it. I just want you to know that the kids are not the only people in this house that miss you when you are gone. I won't let us go to bed at odds with each other, do you really think I have any other feelings when you are gone except longing to be with you again? Whenever you aren't with me, a piece of me is missing, and not just my balls you keep in your backpack.

One last note: I am sorry I have been a little worse for wear the last couple of weeks. I may have said that before, but I want you to know it. The phlebotomy really took a toll and I am sorry. I am doing my best to fight it, but fighting it has its own toll. I may not be exercising as planned, but at least I didn't start eating like I was. It would have been easy to turn to food to comfort me after that phlebotomy, but for the first time I did not. One thing at a time. The exercise can come in spurts when I have energy for it, and right now I just don't. I am sorry for that. I haven't had to do a phlebotomy twice in two months since last year when I quit smoking, and I did turn to food. I figure as long as I keep up with one, it is better than saying, "fuck it," like I have done in the past. 

Anyway, I hope you are enjoying reading these. I know I am not always the most positive. Maybe I am doing them for me as well for you. Something about writing to you is just...nice before bed some nights. 

Love,

Hubby.

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